Struggle of the Sexes

  Eng Ned
M Jokes For Men Grappen Voor Mannen
F Jokes For Women Grappen Voor Vrouwen
M F Jokes For Both Grappen Voor Allebei

Eng M

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer.
No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? And the father replied,
"I don't know, son, I'm still paying."
I haven't spoken to my wife in the last 18 months.... I don't want to interrupt her!
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."
How can you marry a young, beautiful, rich and intelligent woman?
By marrying four times.

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Eng F

Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

Why did God build Eve after Adam?
Practice makes perfect

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Eng M F

Women's Quote of the Day

"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."
Men's Counter-Quote of the Day

"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

Compliment her,
Cuddle her,
Kiss her,
Caress her,
Love her,
Stroke her,
Comfort her,
Protect her,
Hug her,
Hold her,
Spend money on her,
Wine & dine her,
Buy things for her,
Listen to her,
Care for her,
Stand by her,
Support her,
Go to the ends of the earth for her.


Show up naked,
Bring beer.


Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.
Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves.
Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.
Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.


Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders.

A language instructor was explaining to her class that Spanish nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she said, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral.

Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single man, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

Between the ages of 15 - 20 a woman is like Africa.
She is half discovered, half wild.

Between the ages of 20 - 30 a woman is like America.
Fully discovered and scientifically perfect.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India & Japan.
Very hot, wise and beautiful

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France.
She is half destroyed after the war but still desirable.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Germany.
She lost the war but not the hope.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia.
Very wide, very quiet but nobody goes there.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England.
With a glorious past but no future.

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?". "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy. After a short while he asked her what she was. "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women.", told the young woman.

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?". He replied: "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention...the assembly line for the automobile...changed the world.
"As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want." Ford thinks about it, and says, - "I want to hang out with God Himself."
So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "When You invented Woman, what were You thinking?"
God asks, "What do you mean?"
"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. The front side is not aerodynamical.
2. It produces way too much noise.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting, and refinishing.
5. It is at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days completely useless.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.
Just to name a few."
"Hmmm...," replies God, "Hold on a minute." God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it.
God then turns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours.
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10 pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents. Come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girls parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still in deep prayer with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist..."

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot. "What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute steal at only fifty pence". "Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks "Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity" "Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman
"F#ck me, a f#cking new brothel and a f#cking new madam".
"I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel" says the woman indignantly, but she sees the funny side and let's it drop.

A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.
"A new brothel, a new madam, and now new f#cking prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.
"Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their filthy new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband comes home.
"Well f#ck me, a new brothel, a new madam, new f#cking whores, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Dave?" says the parrot.

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Ned M

Wat geef je een vrouw die al alles heeft?
Een man om haar uit te leggen hoe alles werkt
Als de hond blaft aan de achterdeur en je vrouw staat te jengelen aan de voordeur. Wie laat je dan eerst binnen?
De hond natuurlijk. Die zwijgt van zodra hij binnen is.

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Ned F

Wat had de vrouw ooit gedaan zonder de man?
Ze had een ander dier getemd.
Waarom dragen mannen dassen?
Dat staat beter dan een leiband.
Wat is het punt van overeenkomst tussen een man en een keukenrobot?
Ge hebt er een zonder te weten waarvoor hij dient.
Wat moet een vrouw doen als haar man zigzag door de tuin loopt?
Blijven schieten.
Wat is de eerste man op de maan?
Een goed begin.
Waarom hebben mannen geen menopauze?
Ze geraken nooit uit hun puberteit.
Wat moet een vrouw het eerst uittrekken om haar man in bed te krijgen?
De stekker van de tv.
Waarom bestaan mannen?
Vibrators kunnen geen gras maaien.
Hoe kan je een sexueel opgewonden man herkennen?
Hij ademt.
Hoe noem je een goed uitziende, intelligente en gevoelige man?
Een gerucht.
Wat verstaat een man onder helpen in het huishouden.
Zijn benen opheffen zodat de vrouw kan stofzuigen.
Wat is het verschil tussen een man en ET?
ET belde tenminste nog naar huis.
Waarom zijn mannen zo gelukkig?
Omdat onwetenheid een zegen is.
Waarom heeft een man een zuiver geweten?
Omdat het nog nooit gebruikt is.
Hoe merk je dat een man toekomstplannen heeft?
Hij koopt 2 bakken bier in plaats van 1.
Wat is het verschil tussen een man en een hond?
Na een jaar is de hond nog steeds opgewonden als hij je ziet.
Wat is de beste manier om een man iets te laten doen?
Zeggen dat hij er te oud voor is.

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Ned M F

Een man zit naast een mooi meisje op een terrasje en vertelt haar dat hij een nieuw uurwerk aanheeft van lernout en hauspie, het kan namelijk praten.
Het meisje kijkt verwonderd terwijl de man zijn uurwerk aan zijn oor brengt en zegt,"kijk, mijn uurwerk vertelt me dat ik naast een mooi meisje zit zonder broek aan"
Het meisje schrikt even en zegt de man dat het niet juist is omdat ze wel een broek aanheeft.
Nee nee zegt de man en luistert nog eens aan zijn uurwerk. Daarna herhaalt hij nogmaals dat zijn uurwerk wel degelijk zegt dat hij naast een mooi meisje zit zonder broek aan.
Het meisje zegt nogmaals dat dit fout is, "ik heb wel een broek aan, er is blijkbaar iets mis met uw uurwerk"
De man checkt z'n uurwerk en zegt, "verdorie, je hebt gelijk, mijn uurwerk loopt weeral een uur voorop"
GOD schiep de ezel en zei tot hem : "je zult een ezel zijn, die constant zal werken en zware lasten op zijn schouders zal dragen. Je zult gras eten en intelligentie ontbreken. Je zult 30 jaar leven"
De ezel antwoordde: Op die wijze 30 jaar leven, dat is veel te lang! A.u.b. geef mij 20 jaar te leven"
En zo geschiedde....

Daarna, schiep GOD de hond en zei tot hem : "je zult een hond zijn, je zult je baas en alles wat hem toebehoort bewaken en je zult zijn beste vriend zijn. Je zult het afval van zijn tafel eten en 25 jaar
De hond antwoordde: 25 jaar leven zoals een hond, dat is veel te lang! A.u.b. geef mij maar 15 jaar te leven"
En zo geschiedde....

Vervolgens schiep GOD de aap en sprak tot hem : "je zult een aap zijn; je zult als een idioot van boom tot boom springen ... je zult komisch zijn en 20 jaar leven"
De aap antwoordde : De idioot uithangen gedurende 20 jaar, dat is veel te lang. A.u.b. niet langer dan 10 jaar"
En zo geschiedde ....

Uiteindelijk schiep GOD de man en sprak tot hem : "je zult een man zijn, het enige levend wezen op aarde met een denkvermogen. Je zult gebruik maken van je intelligentie om de heerser van de aarde te zijn, je zult de aarde en zijn bewoners domineren en je zult 30 jaar leven"
De man antwoordde: Maar 30 jaar??? Dat is veel te weinig om er van te profiteren! A.u.b. geef mij de 10 jaar die de ezel weigerde, de 15 jaar van de hond en de 10 jaar van de aap"
En zo geschiedde....

Dat is de reden waarom vandaag een man 30 jaar leeft zoals een man, dominant en gelukkig.
Vervolgens trouwt hij en leeft hij 10 jaar als een ezel, hard werkend en een zware last op zijn schouders dragend. Daarna komen er kinderen, en leeft de man 15 jaar als een hond, die zijn huis en zijn bewoners bewaakt en krijgt wat de anderen niet wilden. Uiteindelijk komt zijn oude dag en leeft hij nog 10 jaar als een aap, die de clown uithangt om zijn kleinkinderen te vermaken....
Zoals hij had gevraagd....

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