Science Jokes

There really are only two types of people in the world, those that don't do math, and those that take care of them.
Life is complex. It has real and imaginary components.
Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.
Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.
One attractive young businesswoman to another, over lunch: My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying.
In the Garden of Eden, God is giving Adam a geometry lesson: "Two parallel lines intersect at infinity. It can't be proved but I've been there".
A mathematician and an engineer agree to a psychological experiment. The mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a beautiful naked woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room. The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every five minutes, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the woman on the bed." The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through this. You know I'll never reach the bed!" And he gets up and storms out. The psychologist makes a note on his clipboard and ushers the engineer in. He explains the situation, and the engineer's eyes light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused. "Don't you realize that you'll never reach her?" The engineer smiled and replied, "Of course! But I'll get close enough for all practical purposes!"
In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined. The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens -- he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention -- so he's let go. The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too. They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem......"
A physician, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world." The civil engineer interrupted and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it stated that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong : mine is the oldest profession in the world." The computer scientist leaned back in his chair, smiled and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"
What is the difference between an object methodologist and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with the terrorist!
One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michal Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.

"Gentlemen", he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!". With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have parachute!". With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes and hurtled through the door and into the night.

Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too.". He grabbed one and out he jumped.

The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane.".

The hippie smiled and said, "Cool it, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack.".

In C we had to code our own bugs. In C++ we can inherit them.
If cars had followed the same developmental path as computers, a Rolls Royce would cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

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